The Truth about Gandalf
by umskiptingur
Summary: Dwarf tells all in shocking exposé of Gandalf's true identity! Gandalf fights back! The plot thickens!
1. Vindalfr's story

Dear Reader,  
  
I have kept silent for far too long. Long have I watched him, waited for him to admit his guilt himself, to come clean to the world about his dirty little secret. I do not want to do this, but I feel I must. I see already those who doubt me, who cry that it is impossible and cannot be. I feel for them, knowing that I too would laugh if I were in their place, for it seems difficult to believe indeed. But the hard truth must be told, and it is this:  
  
Gandalf - or should I call him Gandalfr? - is not the wizened old wizard you think him to be. Oh, he may be wizened, and he may be old, but he's not a wizard. He's a dwarf on stilts.  
  
Gandalfr used to be just like one of the rest of us dwarves. We dug, we delved, we roasted red meat on spits. We were like one big happy family. In fact, we were one big happy family. Those were good days. "The family that mines together, gets filthy rich together," as we used to say. Gandalfr and I were very close. He had a great sense of humour, I recall, always thinking of some new practical joke. That was his downfall, I think, his sense of humour. He set up a joke that he couldn't get himself out of, got in too deep and found himself stuck.  
  
He was a traveler, and he'd often leave us for months on end, returning home with that mischievous twinkle in his eyes. I remember him telling me one time that he'd convinced an entire race of strange creatures, Hobbits he called them, that he was a great and powerful wizard, "Gandalf the Grey," he said, alias Mithrandrir or some equally ridiculous name. He even showed me the stilts that he used to appear taller. He said that he even carried a staff to help with his balance. I told him to be careful, told him not to meddle in the affairs of wizards because they have no sense of humour and get ticked off really easily, but he only laughed.  
  
I remember clearly the day that he left, saying that he had thought of his funniest prank yet. He said he had convinced a group of our cousins to take him on their quest to regain their ancestral home and kill the dragon who was currently residing there. He said he wanted to take one of the little Hobbit creatures with him, said it would be just too hilariously funny for words. I think that that's when he really got in over his head. After that, Gandalfr found himself famous. The little creature wrote a book about the experience, crediting Gandalfr with much of the mission's success. Suddenly, everyone wanted Gandalfr to be a part of their quest. He was known as a household name across Middle Earth.  
  
I think that fame really went to Gandalfr's head. He started distancing himself from us, insisting we call him Tharkûn. He refused to acknowledge us publicly, made up some kind of nonsense about being an Isteri sent to Middle Earth by the Valor. The elves had lapped it up from the start, of course, which I think he found very funny. Some Sirdan guy even gave him a cool ring. I let it pass, thinking that he would reveal all once the One Ring was destroyed. But he kept playing his game right up until the end, sailing off into the distance to wherever it is that all the good elves go instead of dying. Those Valor things, whatever they were, probably got a nasty shock when he showed up with a boatload of elves all crowing that he was the best thing that they had ever sent them.  
  
As I've said, this is not an easy thing for most people to believe. But I beg the reader to consider the facts. Have you not observed the great similarities between Gandalf and Gimli, the massive beards in particular? The way Gandalf mysteriously "knows" his way around the notorious maze of Khazad-dûm despite claiming to have only been there once or twice, yet clearly desires to avoid the place - and its dwarf occupants. I mean, it's even written down that he's a dwarf in the Völuspá, for crying out loud. It lists him as plain as day as being a dwarf, along with Bívurr, Bávurr, Bömburr and the rest of the gang. Deny that and, well, you're in denial.  
  
It pains me indeed to call Gandalf a fraud, but that's exactly what he is. A fraud and an opportunist. It's time to call a spade a spade.  
  
Regards, Vindalfr 


	2. Gandalf's reply

Dearer Reader,  
  
A dwarf on stilts. Normally I would not even respond to an accusation of such an obviously fallacious nature so obviously intended as a cheap ploy for attention. This particular claim, however, is of such a disturbing nature as to warrant my hacking into the ff.net system using the power of my cool ring in order to post this response to Vindalfr's vicious and unprovoked character smear.  
  
Any individual with common sense and a basic understanding of Old Norse will easily be able to see through Vindalfr's story. He claims to be a dwarf, yet goes by the ridiculous name of . I have yet to see that one in any dwarvish baby name book. Dwarves don't give their children anything with in the name. Well, actually, they do. But they tend to be things like and . And you wondered why they kept their secret dwarf names secret.  
  
Two very valid objections have already been voiced by intelligent reviewers. I commend your excellent powers of observation. First of all, Círdan is not pronounced , it is pronounced . Anyone who writes about an elf called Sirdan either has an extremely bad memory and an even worse case of ignorance or, as would seem more likely, has never actually heard the name before and is in dire need of a crash course in phonetics before he or she again attempts to defraud the general public. Furthermore, this Vindalfr pretends to be unable to properly spell commonly used words such as and and yet gets in all of his ticky-roof-u-marks right where they should be. It would seem to me that Vindalfr is pretending to be slightly stupider than he (or, for that matter, she) really is.  
  
Then there is the very obvious problem of the dubious authorship of this Voluspa book, if it really exists at all or is merely a product of Vindalfr's rather imaginative imagination. Where did this Voluspa come from? Who wrote it? I don't know, you say, no one knows who wrote it. This is exactly my point. Are you seriously willing to accept the authority of some _poem_ that for all you know simply turned up on someone's doorstep one day, written by who knows what criminal mind? Is this truly the state of academic integrity in the world today? Ah Arda, Arda, to what have you come?  
  
Yours ever so truly,  
Gandalf the Grey,  
Mithrandir,  
Tharkûn,  
etc. etc.  



	3. Gimli's two cents

Dearest Reader,  
  
The true identity of Gandalf has recently come into question. An individual styling him or herself "Vindalfr" put forward a claim that Gandalf is actually his dwarven name-twin. Gandalf immediately made an attempt to correct this obvious fallacy himself in a statement that was rendered sadly credible by his blatant ignorance of traditional dwarven culture. It is clear that Gandalf still subscribes to the outdated "secret sinister dwarf name" myth. Dwarves Middle Earth around have worked long and hard to break down the hurtful stereotypes into which we have been cast. For us, our dwarf names are a special link to our heritage. Dwarves are and always have been very open about their dwarvish names, and we do not, as Gandalf implies, use these names to mock or otherwise belittle members of the elven race. At least, it's frowned upon. Most of the time.  
  
Had Gandalf actually bothered to read the Völuspá before attacking it he might have saved himself quite a few lines of rant questioning the veracity of what is, in reality, the official Bi-Ageual Dwarven Handbook of Aliases, from which every dwarf is free at the age of maturity to select for himself or herself a non-Dwarven name of choice. This document fell into human hands at some unknown point in time, which has resulted according to our reports in the addition of a plot and a catchier name. However, the substance of the work is still essentially the same, and as such is certainly not some mere manuscript that someone dug out of an old box and called history, as Gandalf seems to be asserting.  
  
The copy of the Völuspá that "Vindalfr" is going by is clearly outdated, as the modern spelling of this name is "Víndalur" and today only an individual of Gandalf's age would spell it in its more archaic form. In fact, only an individual of Gandalf's age would spell it in its more archaic form, since its more archaic form is actually a misprint, found only in the Welcome To Arda: Third Age Welcome Wagons edition of the Völuspá. This was an error that, needless to say, was discovered quickly on in the age and every possible effort has been made to remove these incorrect editions from circulation, an effort that I may venture to say has been quite successful.  
  
Gandalf is correct when he states that the name "Vindalfr" means "wind- elf", an extremely silly and unsuitable title for a dwarf. However, as has been mentioned above, this is actually a misprint of the legitimate and respectable dwarven name "Víndalur", "Valley of Wine", a popular non- Dwarven alias though not quite as popular as the perennial favourite Öldalfur, "Valley of Beer". Similarly, "Gandalfr" is actually a misprint of the name Gandalr, which translates roughly into English as "Twitchy Valley". This, admittedly, is not a very common name for a dwarf.  
  
One thing is clear. Whoever this Vindalr is, we may safely assume that he is as ignorant as Gandalfr is when it comes to matters of scholarly integrity. It may be that Vindalr considers that this to be an extremely funny prank. But by preying on the innate beliefs that society as a whole holds about dwarves in order to mock Gandalf, Vindalr is in reality perpetrating the very images of us that we wish to break down.  
  
Yours concernedly, Gimli, son of Glóin  
  
(Paradise, son of The Glow)  
  
PS. And those comparisons between me and Gandalf are just sick. The wizard doesn't even know how to braid his hair properly. 


End file.
